Lalalalala blogging. Like a boss.

I haven’t talked in a while, so I guess I’ll just go on for far too long about life. No one will read this, but it’s nice to talk.

I previously had a ridiculous crush on my very straight roommate, Alice. Thank God that is slowly starting to fade. Porscha and I are relatively close, which is nice. We have a lot in common and it makes it so fucking easy to talk to her. Then there’s Ana. She’s just so fucking pissy all the fucking time. I get so tired of it. She “cleans” by doing a half ass job of the dishes and putting the trash by the door and leaving it. Then she throws a fit because she feels she does all the work. Meanwhile, the reason she’s so unhappy is because of money. She has enough money to waste $30+ on cokes and chips every week, and she has an iPhone and a laptop. Then she bitches she doesn’t have enough money to tan. She’s working two jobs so that she can afford completely meaningless bullshit and expects pity? Dear lord, you work 2 part time jobs. Poor fucking thing. I used to work more in one job than you do in two. While graduating high school. I still managed a social life, and I had no money because my mother stole it from me. Yet I didn’t let that make me a bitter, angry person. I’m so tired of people being so unhappy. Yeah, we all get pissy. Yeah, we all complain, but why act like your life is hell over something so small as not being able to buy something that you don’t necessarily need? I guess misery loves company and if you’re a shallow person surrounded by people less basic and immature than you, you get frustrated. Along with Ana’s bitch ass attitude, there’s our neighbor, Jess. She treats me like a damn child and nothing pisses me off more than that. I’m 17, graduated from high school early, now I pay my own rent and I am a fucking adult. And she acts as if this is her apartment. She just barges in and uses our stuff and eats our food. And she’s rude and hateful. And I keep telling her to knock it off. And she talks shit about me behind my back for it, but refuses to say anything to my face. She’s one of those bitchy ass preppy girls who are so desperate to fit in that they’ll say one thing but if you ask their opinion on it seconds later, they feel completely different. I fucking hate girls like that.

One very good thing about moving out here: I’ve lost another 30 pounds since January!! Last September I was 7 pounds from being morbidly obese. Yeah, it was pretty bad. Pictures of me were ugly and humiliating. I hated how I looked and how I felt. So I was determined to change it. I went from 210 lbs, so far all the way down to 168 as of this morning. I go back home to walk for graduation in 2 weeks and I want to be 160. Why 160? Because at that point I am no longer obese, I’m just overweight. To some, that may still sound terrible. But I’m in CULINARY school and I would have lost 50 pounds since last year. Anyone who ever made fun of me or judged me can go fuck themselves. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing it so slow, and there have been times that I stopped losing and just stayed at the same weight, which has been so frustrating. But I’m not going on a diet, I’m changing my life so that I don’t just gain it right back. It started with simply changing my diet. No chips or cokes. Pretty much all “junk” food was out of the question. I didn’t even have a problem with that, surprisingly. Except a candy binge at Easter, sadly. I also began spinning poi. That alone made a huuuuuge difference , seeing as how I got no excersize previously. After a while though, that wasn’t enough, though I felt too tired and lazy to do anymore. Now I am taking OPC-3 everyday. And I’m doing my best to eat organic food only and drinking 6-8 cups of water daily. I’m also excersizing more! I’m doing yoga or pilates every morning and we are going to start going to the gym, cause Porscha wants to lose her belly. I feel soooo much better and have lost 6 inches off my belly since January. I got all sorts of new clothes that I never would have fit in before and I’m pulling out old clothes that now look sooo much better on me. I feel so much better about myself, but I need to get down to 130-135 to officially be healthy. And that’s all I want. I don’t want to be super skinny, I enjoy curves. Once I can get myself down to a healthy weight, just to avoid a heart attack at an early age, I can gauge what I think of my body and change it from there. If I want to lose more, then I can. But I can’t even imagine what I will look like at that point. I feel like I’ll look so much more gorgeous. I don’t hate myself like I did as a kid, but I still am striving to improve things that make me self-conscience. I don’t care what others see when they look at me, I know that I’m doing my best and I’m doing me. And that’s all that matters.

School has been fucking fantastic. I’m loving it so much and I’ve learned tons of amazing dishes. I have tons of pictures and they’re beautiful. Overall, I’m a very happy person, but some days I just feel so down. One day, I just felt like hiding in my room and crying. I hardly talked to anybody and just kept saying I was tired and blew it off. That day we cooked, and as soon as we got to work, I felt fantastic. I’m in my element in the kitchen, I just feel so comfortable and confidant. I am a damn good chef. I may not have any professional training, and I know that I’m not the best and that I have a lot to learn. But what I know how to do, I do an amazing job at. I just want to keep absorbing and learning all that I can. I’m having so much fun butchering, though I’m not the best at that. But practice makes perfect, and I’m really not bad. Next is baking and pastry, though, and I’m dreading that. Those are not exactly my forte. But I have to give it a try and learn the best that I can. I’m keeping my mind insanely open. So open, in fact, that I’ve eaten, liver, tongue, balls, scorpions, crickets, and caviar. If I’m in culinary school, I should try everything. No need to miss out in life with a closed mind. <3

Unfortunatley, I have had no fucking luck with the ladies out here. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Samma turned out to be a heartless trick. I had Nicki for a week, and dear lord was that the worst week in the fucking world. I thought about giving guys a try but they’re all obsessed with sex. And the main problem with guys: I’m just not attracted to them. I feel bad and I surely love the attention, and guys give me attention. But I don’t want to be with a guy. I like knowing that they like me, and teasing. But I don’t want anything to come from it. The problem is everyone is really insistent about me and a certain guy. His name is Terry, and he’s fucking awesome. He makes me laugh and smile and I could spend all the time in the world with him. I love flirting with him, but I have absolutely no interest in being with him. I have so many people thinking we would make a great couple, and I can see it… but I don’t want it and I feel bad. But for now, I’m gonna keep trying to find myself a pretty girl. We’re going to Gay 90’s, which is a club, for my birthday. I want to dress up sexy and wear heels and go dancing. Hopefully a girl will look at me. I would honestly feel really hurt if I got no attention. That’s helping to drive my weight loss goal, since my birthday is in about 3 weeks. I have to weeks to lose 8 pounds, then I’ll have another week and a half to try and tone at least a little more. I don’t want to find someone who likes me for just my looks, but I understand that I should probably look my best when clubbing is where I’m meeting people, just saying.

Welp, I think that’s all that’s new with me. I’m sure I’ll think of more and post a shitton at a later date. But, for now, here it is.

OH! AND I GOT A TATTOO!!! A HATCHET MAN WITH A CHEFS KNIFE AND HAT! I’ll post the meaning behind the tattoo at a later date. <3

She is beautiful and funny, we have so much in common… but she’s sooo out of my league… and straight…. She’s very smart, makes me feel dumb. She’s interested in poi and I love showing her all of it. She curves absolutely perfectly. She has headaches, and I always want to tell her that orgasms help headaches. I know that there is no way that she will ever look at me like that, though. And if she knew I had feelings, our entire friendship would be destroyed. Ain’t that always the way…

That was my New Years Resolution, and you know what, I’m doing a damn good job. :) I’ve lost 50 pounds, I’m taking shit a lot less, I’m growing up, I’ve stopped smoking. I want to mend some friendships and break off some others. I’m far less focused on being in a relationship. I was in one, and shit happens and it’s behind me. Then I made the AWFUL mistake of rebounding. That’s how I got Nicki, my absolutely crazy week long relationship. I got rid of her psycho ass and now I’m just enjoying being single. =w= I’m doing fantastic in school and I want to cook for EVERYONE. I love the food I’m making, my cookbook is huge! >W< I love not living with my parents and I have days off again, which is awesome. Honestly, life is pretty good right now. Though I do wish I had more friends to hang out with here in MN outside of class. ;w;

I’m done with it now. It makes me crave like a mother fucker but I refuse to be addicted to something.